World's Stupidest Jokes

**StuckInAStrangeDream** · 01-18-2009, 11:30 AM

I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!." As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. "What's the matter, madam?" he asked. "I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed. "There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"

**StuckInAStrangeDream** · 01-18-2009, 11:31 AM

there were these two muffins sittin in an oven.
one muffin goes to the other "holy **** it's hot in here!"
the other muffin goes "holy **** a talkin muffin!"

**StuckInAStrangeDream** · 01-18-2009, 11:31 AM

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
Bartender says, "Um, sir- you have a steering wheel jammed in your drawers?"
Pirate replies, "Arrrgh, it's drivin' me nuts!"

**StuckInAStrangeDream** · 01-18-2009, 11:32 AM

What do you call a one-legged woman? Eileen
What do you call a one-legged Asian woman? Irene.

What do you call a dog with no back legs and metal balls? Sparky.

**StuckInAStrangeDream** · 01-18-2009, 11:36 AM

What did George Washington say to his men before they crossed the Delaware River?
(Get in the boat!)

**StuckInAStrangeDream** · 01-18-2009, 11:50 AM

"Pardon me, lady", said the man trying to get back to his seat in the darkened movie theater, "but did I step on your toes a few minutes ago?"
"You certainly did!!", said the woman in the aisle seat.
"Good, then I'm in the right row!" the man said as he went back to his seat.

**StuckInAStrangeDream** · 01-18-2009, 12:02 PM

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

**bigfatfurrytexan** · 01-18-2009, 12:23 PM

Originally Posted by StuckInAStrangeDream

What do you call a one-legged woman? Eileen
What do you call a one-legged Asian woman? Irene.

What do you call a dog with no back legs and metal balls? Sparky.

I like these. "Irene"...hahahahahahah...

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the ocean? Bob

What do you call a man missing half of his left leg? Neil

**bigfatfurrytexan** · 01-18-2009, 12:25 PM

Great books:

50 Yards To The Outhouse by Willie Makeit

The Outhouse Is To Far by Betty Doant

Under The Grandstand by Seymore Butts

Long Trail In The Snow by Peter Dragon

**shiner4u** · 01-18-2009, 12:43 PM

A woman is pregnant with triplets. 2 girls and 1 boy. She gets shot 3 times and there is a bullet in each baby. The doctor says not to worry because the babies will simply pee out the bullets when they grow up. Years later, one girl says "mommy mommy, i peed out a bullet today". The mom tells her what happened and says "don't tell your sister n brother...I wouldn't want them to worry" A week later, the other girl says "mommy mommy, i peed out a bullet today". The mom explains the story and says "don't tell your brother, I wouldn't want him to worry" A week later, the boy says "mommy mommy,"...the mom says "I know I know, you peed out a bullet today." He says "no...I was jerkin' off and I killed the dog!"

**EMT2003** · 01-19-2009, 07:45 AM

What do you call a man with no arms or legs laying on the floor?

Matt

What do you call a man with no arms and legs hanging on the wall?

Art

**Jumperbones** · 02-05-2009, 02:04 AM

Some kids knocked on Johnny's door and asked if he could play baseball. Johnny's mom screamed at them, saying, " You know Johnny has no arms or legs and can't play baseball." To which one little boy replied, " Oh we don't want him to play, we need a third base."